Here are the 13 most important things to
remember.
1. Feed Her Constantly
Everyone knows food is important to
pregnant women. But what the uninitiated
might not realize is that time is of the
essence. The bottom line is when she
says she’s hungry, she means it. Feed that
woman immediately or she will eat your
bleeping face. Know that “I’m hungry”
doesn’t mean she’s looking forward to the
dinner plans you have in an hour. It means
give her a snack before you leave for the
restaurant. And then again when you get in
the car. Failure to give that woman snacks
will result in extreme bitchiness at best,
and bodily injury at worse. Just turn
yourself into a walking, talking vending
machine for 9 months and you’ll be fine.
2. Food: What’s Yours is Hers, What’s
Hers is Off-Limits
You’ve likely been married or together a
few years now, so it’s perfectly
understandable that you bought into all
that stuff about togetherness and sharing a
life, etc. And while some of that still
applies, all bets are off when it comes to
food. If you eat food that’s hers (or food
you bought for yourself but she somehow
claimed it as hers), she will cut you. Not
physically perhaps, but by the time she’s
finished excoriating you you’ll wish it was
just a knife wound you suffered. I ate some
of MJ’s chocolate once and when she
went to find it during a craving and saw
that it was gone, she flew into a rage that
was one of the scariest things I’ve ever
seen. Just don’t do it.
3. Get Ready to Gain Weight
Notice how all the topics so far have
involved food? That’s no mistake.
Ultimately at some point she’ll have
cravings. When MJ was pregnant with Will
she wanted pizza, Kit-Kats & grapefruit.
This time around it’s nothing but fruit salad.
But whatever the craving, one of the
unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is
YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain
weight too. Mainly because we inevitably
partake in her cravings and all the extra
junk food results in a spare tire. I gained
25 lbs during MJ’s pregnancy 5 years ago,
just a shade under the total amount she
gained — WITH THE BABY! So watch
your step.
4. Don’t Point Out How Big She’s
Getting
My Boston sports habit notwithstanding,
I’m a fairly logical person. I knew MJ was
pregnant and pregnant women gain
weight. That’s why I thought absolutely
nothing of pointing out my wife’s really cute
swollen belly. In my mind it was just nature
progressing and running its course, and
there was nothing more beautiful. But after
the first 2-3 times I said it, she snapped on
me. “STOP TELLING ME I’M FAT! I KNOW
I’M FAT! I DON’T NEED YOU POINTING
IT OUT!!” It didn’t matter that in my eyes
she never looked more beautiful or that
she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight.
Which leads me to my next point…
5. “Pregnancy Brain” is Very Real
I know it sounds like some sort of cutesy,
media-created term. But it’s not.
Pregnancy Brain is legit. It starts with
everyday occurrences like looking for her
glasses while they’re on her head, which is
kinda cute. But it soon progresses to
things like leaving the basement door open
in 5-degree weather and freezing the
entire bottom floor of the house while
simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a
home invasion. And in a fit of irony, I just
asked MJ to give me more examples of
Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn’t —
because she can’t remember.
6. Goodbye Sense of Humor
The good news is she’s gained a baby.
The bad news? There wasn’t enough
room for the baby AND her sense of
humor. If you’re a smartass like I am, this
is especially troubling since I show
affection by giving people good-natured
poo. Unfortunately, my pregnant wife does
not appreciate my unique brand of humor
whilst carrying our little parasite around in
her stomach. The results are often me
firing off (what I consider to be) beautiful
comedic quips and zingers, which don’t
just fall on deaf ears, they fall on potentially
homicidal ears. You’ve been warned.
7. Say Goodbye to Sex
Listen to me carefully — you’re about to be
sexually frustrated. The first trimester is by
far the worst. It’s when she’ll be going
through the most changes and feeling the
shittiest. It’s everything she can do to avoid
throwing up every morning (and
sometimes at night), so you feeling
unloved and “backed up” doesn’t really
register. So fire up the Indecency and give
yourself a hand, because you’re now a
sex camel my friend. The only silver lining
is you’ll have sex two times during the
pregnancy. You have a 1-2 week window
where her sex drive returns early in the
second trimester. Enjoy that, because it’s
not happening again until very late in the
pregnancy. Right at the end she’ll be so
desperate to get the baby out of her that
she’ll use you in the hopes that sex will
send her into labor. It’s slightly awkward,
but after the drought it’s a welcome relief
— as long as her water doesn’t break right
then and there.
8. Yes Her bosoms Are Bigger, No You
Can’t Touch Them
While we’re on the topic of sex, let me tell
you about one of Nature’s cruelest tricks.
When a woman is carrying a child, it’s a
beautiful thing. That “pregnant glow” you
always hear about is real, mainly because
she’s carrying around a few extra pints of
blood which does wonders for her hair, her
fingernails and — her rack. A becomes C,
B becomes D and C becomes Hallelujah
Thank You Jesus! They swell up to
gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at
the seams and popping off her chest in a fit
of Playboy glory. The only problem is
you’re not allowed to touch them. It’s like
going to the pet store and seeing the cute
puppies behind the glass but not being
able to pet them. They’re adorable and you
want to take them home and keep them
forever, but if you try to motorboat her
puppies she will slap the poo out of you.
Trust me.
9. Your Dick Can’t Won’t Hurt the Baby
Speaking of sex, let’s get this one out of
the way right now — your joystick will have
no effect on the baby in your wife’s womb.
Got that? I don’t care if you’re on par with
Ron Jeremy or not, your dick is not going
to scare the kid and it’s certainly not going
to poke him in the forehead. Not only that,
but any suggestion to the contrary will
send your pregnant wife into hysterics.
And there’s nothing more demoralizing
than a conversation that involves your
joystick and hysterical laughter. So I’m told…
10. You Will Be Replaced by Pillows
Did you spend a crap ton of money on a
mattress? Some sort of memory foam or
pillowtop deal that makes you feel like
1,000 little angels are massaging you as
you fall asleep every night? Well I hope
you spent money on a comfortable couch
because that’s likely where you’ll be
sleeping for a decent part of the
pregnancy. And it’s not so much the
increased space your pregnant wife takes
up either. It’s the pillows. Yup, that’s right.
You become increasingly irrelevant as the
pregnancy wears on, but the 37 pillows —
including that godforsaken full-body pillow
— become absolutely vital nighttime
companions. And when push comes to
shove, you’re getting the shove to the sofa.
11. Don’t Treat Her Like Glass
Many men — myself included — feel very
protective of their wives as is. But when it’s
our baby growing inside of her, that
suddenly ratchets up several notches. I try
not to let MJ open doors, carry groceries,
pick up heavy objects, etc. And for
whatever reason, that sticks in her craw
something fierce. It’s not that I don’t think
she can fend for herself, I just feel it’s more
important than ever to keep her safe and
to make sure the heavy lifting is kept to a
minimum. And that’s when I get the “I’M
NOT MADE OF GLASS, STOP TREATING
ME LIKE A PRINCESS!” retort. Oh well,
husbands/boyfriends of pregnant women
are damned if we do and damned if we
don’t.
12. Pregnant Women Are Lazy
This one is VERY touchy. After all, they’re
carrying new life around inside of them.
Their bodies are growing, stretching and
changing to accommodate said life. But the
fact remains, pregnant women are L-A-Z-
Y. Case in point, a disturbing trend has
emerged in the Daddy Files household the
last few weeks. MJ has not only stopped
doing dishes, she’s no longer even
attempting to put the dirty dishes in the
sink. Instead, she brings them into the
kitchen and puts them a foot away from the
sink. Moreover, all of the coffee cups are
half-filled and every bowl has a ton of
soggy cereal remaining in it. I don’t mind
doing the dishes, but I do mind a counter
full of crap. How hard is it to empty the
dishes and move them ONE MORE FOOT
into the sink?? But you can’t gripe about
this because…
13. You Can’t Complain
All these things I’ve listed? You can’t
mention any of them to your pregnant wife.
Because even if she’s lazy, not giving you
any, won’t let you touch her bosoms, can’t
remember a thing, sleeping with the Pillow
People, making you crash on the couch,
putting on massive amounts of weight, and
eating you out of house and home, it
doesn’t matter. She’s pregnant. She’s
carrying your child. Which means she’s
got the trump card and all your complaints
are hereby dismissed. Seriously, just think
about you complaining and what her
response will be. Something like “Dishes?
You’re complaining about dishes?? I’m
growing a human being in my stomach the
size of a watermelon that I’ll eventually
have to push out an opening the size of a
lemon. NOW WHAT WERE YOU
COMPLAINING ABOUT AGAIN?!?”
